a guy said to me "you don't always have to be a hard ass."

yea a guy said that..to me. I was the hard ass, not him, I. Proof that I have a difficult time putting my guard down. For my sake or his? I know when I am going to break someone's heart. I always give the heads up though, so if they keep at it...I gave them a warning. I know which guys will end up getting hurt and which ones will end up hurting me. If I know I will hurt them I stay as blunt as possible with my words. I tell them, as in multiple occasions, that I am bad for them, this is a bad idea/mistake, don't start liking me. I say it because I know. I know who I will hurt so I go for the ones that will hurt me. I can't stand hurting good/decent guys...esp if i think we would REALLY be better off as homies. Maybe this is why I have so many guy friends? I keep them all at bay.

But anyways, this guard that I put up. This hard ass'ness. ha whatever. if it's for my sake its just the obvious..cliche...reason. I do it because I am broken and am still healing from the damages and I cannot afford being vulnerable to anyone. The sucky part is that I have let my guard down recently and it totally kicked my ass and reminded me why it is almost imparative that I keep it up. sucks..but I do not know how to be any other way at this point.

so not ok.
im so not ok with how things are. i want things back to how it was last summer because im not used to how it is now. and i miss how it used to be then. the past is past ..enjoy it all while u can... but damn. i call redo. because from all this mess i just want to break down and cry. im trying to figure things out but it doesnt seem to work. i try to work efficiently but nothing good has come of it. i dont know what matters anymore. i dont knwo how it got so bad but i want it all back. i call redo. so i can undo the things that shouldnt have happened...but did...even though i knew better... so i can stop makin excuses and stop trying to analyze what i did..when i know i have better judgement. ..seems u always know better but dont always do better. u let instant gratification win...put priorities to the side... and just let the good times ride... no worries..who gives a fuck.. but in reality all the things you do  make up who you are... and i have no clue who i am. all i know is that it is far from where i want to be...where i used to be.. where i need to be. and i hate to complain..i did what i did and that is that..live and learn...just disappointed in what has come to be..and it just definately not what used to be..

and how do u know if ur growing or stunting... you get older in age doesnt mean u always get wiser... u still do stupid things... u still let things slide that shouldnt... you dont always use your  better judgement... so how do u know if ur growing or stunting.

photos from my birthday....back back in november

me n melvin

me n ders

me n sam

me n kahjaimee.me.sam.chelle
dee n me
ai.melissa.me.kate.gel


here are pics from new years eve @ my casa

me n the entertainmentdon.me.chelle.sam
melis.me.sam.chelle
me.melvin.sam.chellejason.jeff.neil
me n chellejeff.me.jasonme n seanme n neilme.sam.chelledarryl n remysean.sam.me



and....the morning after ...

jeff.neil.melisjason.melvin.and chelle on the bed
darryl..the baby awww LoLx

i apoligize i cant tell u when and who was sober at any given time.

and melissa's bday at that cool place...